"What's going on?" she asked."I told you I need you." You're doing smack again?" she asked. I never let her know of my heroin use since Paris. I think she wanted not to know. She knew. "I'm still here and you're still doing it. It doesn't matter. I'm going. You better get your head together. Do you want to lose all this?" I don't know. Maybe I am," I said."You're what?" Lost."She sat me down on the bed and sat beside me and took my shoulders in her hands and held my gaze. "You have to be strong. I'm not strong anymore. Whatever it is in your secret mind, you have to get over it. In so many ways you make me proud. You're my accomplishment on this earth. I did all I could to make you great. Then I brought the Nigger into your life." Don't call him that. You sound like the producer. He's a cool guy and a genius and you loved him." I don't know what I was thinking. I thought maybe we could get you something, morphine or something to ease your stomach. But then I saw how much you liked it. My step dad, who is white, often said that when I take off my clothes, I looked just like a girl.?My mother is Chinese and my White step dad liked to say I got all the feminine features from my mother, When it was really hot in the summer, both my mom and I would be naked in the house and my step dad would remark that the only difference between me and my mom was that my mom had larger breasts. Even when I was really young he often jokingly referred to my penis as a boy clit, and he made very clear about the sexual superiority of his well endowed white penis. He would boast to me how much my Chinese mother enjoyed being fucked by his big white cock and that is the reason why she left my biological dad, whom I have never met, supposedly a wimpish asian fem boy just like me, as my mother had told me. The only father figure in my life was my White step dad, and my White step dad had expressly told me, repeatedly, that I should be feminized and be treated like a girl. I guess it was my.
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